No One and Everyone All at Once.

Some days, in certain moments I look at Madeline and see a regular little girl. One who loves her sister and brother, only wanting there attention and to play. A girl who loves to laugh and and dance. She likes the color red and loves holding her baby dolls. I have seen her looking at her self in the mirror and say "so beautiful" or wiping her hands down her shirt saying "wow, pretty!" Just like any other girl would.

That's all I want for her in life, is to be accepted and be seen for who she is, not just her diagnosis.

I have been quickly snapped back into reality many times. The reality of parenting a special needs child.

Its not all cupcakes and rainbows, I wish it could be. But there's an ugly truth to a life with special needs.

I have taken Madeline to many places and done many things to expose her people, places, things, new experiences and so on. So far no one has never really said anything to me until now.

I see the eyes, the glares and the looks from others. You think I don't see you because I seem to be focused on my daughter in her situation. Maybe I'm handling a meltdown, or check to see where her stem toys fly. I have my eyes on her hands to see if she is going to grab, pull, or push. But I see you to.

It's a lonely world where we are, and I don't mean in the sense of friends or family. We have a lot of that. It's lonely in the fact that most of the time I'm the only one in her world with her. The one managing her anxiety from the outside in.

But then It happened, My daughter was playing with her siblings jumping and laughing and having fun, like any kid should. Other kids were around, I was watching, I was close. But it happens in a second.

Overstimulation.

It hits, and suddenly my once seemingly happy child is done, she is hot, it's so uncomfortable, there are kids flying over her, under her. Laughing, screaming, running, jumping. All she wants is to separate herself. She can't, it takes time for her to break away from the chaos. And before I can do anything I hear a voice....

"Who's kid is that!" I look around and see a man looking around, I say "who?"

He says "That girl over there, she is kicking and pushing the other kids!" I see her struggling, I quickly look back at him and say "Well that's my kid" His response was "Well you need to do something about her!"

I run to my daughter, I go to pick her up, She won't stand. She is going to meltdown. I can only try and get her away as quick as I can so she can calm down, but she won't move. She is almost as big as me. I go to pick her up and she starts to fight, hard.

There's the eyes, again I feel them in all directions. They just stare as a struggle to get her to clam down and come with me. Everyone is everywhere, all at once....I'm alone.

To the man who needed to know whose kid that was....

She is my daughter. She is special needs. She would never hurt anyone. Not on purpose. Thank you for reminding me of my own anxiety about taking her to public places.

Thank you for reminding me that she is different. Thank you for reminding me I will always have a audience. Thank you for reminding me that there will always be a person who doesn't understand. Thank you for reminding me of how far we still have to go.

But I also want to thank you for reminding me how far we have come......

And it's people like you that make me push harder to advocate for my child in every way.

It's also people like you that I write these blog posts for, not just the others who are going or will be going down the same road as us, but the ones who don't know this route at all.

Maybe you'll gain some understanding and insight,

and maybe show a little more kindness next time.

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Thank you

Meagan and Madeline.